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CAN YOU
REALLY HAVE A LIFELONG MARRIAGE?
Written by Gary Chapman This
article is courtesy of HomeLife. |
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I met Rick on an airplane
traveling from Boston to Los Angeles. When he learned I
was a marriage counselor, he told me about his parents’
divorce. It was obvious he was deeply disturbed by their
breakup. He asked me a question I’ve never forgotten:
“Is it possible in today’s world to have a lifelong
marriage?”
A recent survey indicates that among never-married
singles between the ages of 20 and 30, 87 percent said,
“I want a marriage that will last a lifetime.” They have
seen their parents divorce and don’t want to experience
divorce themselves, but they don’t have the foggiest
idea how to have a lifelong marriage. I believe the
answer to Rick’s question is found in understanding the
biblical concept of covenant marriage.
I must confess that when Karolyn and I were married, I
had little understanding of covenant marriage. I was in
love and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with Karolyn, but I was not prepared for the conflicts
we were to encounter. It was the implementation of
biblical covenant marriage that turned our marriage in
the right direction.
What are the elements of a covenant marriage?
1) Covenants are initiated for the benefit of the other
person. When Jonathan made a covenant with David, it was
for David’s benefit. When Ruth made a covenant with her
mother-in-law, Naomi, it was for Naomi’s well-being.
When I married Karolyn, I was thinking more of my
happiness than of hers. I hoped she would be happy, but
that was not my first priority. When Karolyn didn’t do
the things that I thought would make me happy, I tried
to preach her into submission. My preaching drove her
into rebellion, and we spent a number of years
frustrated. I’m certain that if I had entered marriage
with a covenant attitude, the early years of our
marriage would have been quite different.
2) Covenant marriage is grounded in unconditional
promises. “In sickness and in health, in poverty and in
wealth”; these are commitments of covenant marriage.
It’s not the contract mentality of “I will love you if
you will love me.” In the early years of our marriage I
was often waiting for Karolyn to reciprocate some
positive move on my part. My reasoning? If she doesn’t
reciprocate, why should I keep trying? Not exactly a
covenant promise.
3) Covenant marriage is built on steadfast love
illustrated by God’s love for us. “His compassions never
fail. They are new every morning” (Lam. 3:22-23, NIV).
In the early years of my marriage, I thought of love
more as a euphoric feeling than a dedicated commitment
to seeking Karolyn’s well-being. God is always looking
out for our best interest. I wasn’t doing that for
Karolyn. In fact, I didn’t even know what her interests
were. It was years later when I asked God to give me the
attitude of Christ that I began to discover the nature
of true love. Here are the three questions that guided
me to express covenant love to Karolyn. These questions
changed our marriage:
“Honey, what can I do to help you?”
“How can I make your life easier?”
“What could I do to be a better husband to you?”
When I was willing to ask these questions, Karolyn was
willing to give me answers. When I let her teach me how
to love her, she began to reciprocate. Mutual covenant
love is the key.
4) Covenant marriage requires confrontation and
forgiveness. I wish I never sinned against my wife; I
wish I were always kind, loving, tender, and
understanding. The reality is that I’m a sinner.
Sometimes I’m unkind, unthoughtful, unloving. In these
times I need to be confronted; repent of my sinful
attitudes, words, and actions; and plead forgiveness. If
I’m willing to confess and repent and Karolyn is willing
to forgive, we can reach greater depths of intimacy.
5) Covenant marriage views commitment as permanent.
God’s covenant with His people was always permanent, and
God’s view of marriage is that it is a permanent
covenant between a man and a woman; the covenant to
bless each other by giving their lives away in mutual
love and submission.
I’m committed to sharing the message of covenant
marriage with the next generation. I believe thousands
of Christians have a faulty view of marriage, influenced
far more by culture than by Scripture. This is why I
wrote Now You’re Speaking My Language (B&H) — and why I
challenge you to continue to explore the biblical view
of marriage until it becomes a part of you. Then share
it with others!
Those of us who have discovered the biblical concept of
covenant marriage have a responsibility to share with
those who are seeking. How might we do this? Much can be
done on an individual basis as couples invite single
parents as well as never-married singles into their
homes for meals and informal conversation. Even if the
discussion doesn’t focus on marriage, they are observing
the way you treat your spouse and hopefully seeing
covenant marriage modeled.
If we can rediscover the biblical concept of covenant
marriage, build it into our marriages, and share it with
the next generation, we may yet stem the tide of
secularism in this generation. If the church can get it
together, covenant marriages may be the greatest
attraction the church has to the non-Christian world. So
my question is, “What will you do today to embrace a
covenant marriage and share it with others?”
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This page
is updated on Sep 18, 2009 |
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PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY
10 YEARS CELEBRATION
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