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I'm
married to my best friend. We share our lives and all
that they are. Through more than 26 years of marriage we
have developed a friendship love of mutual affection,
rapport, and comradeship. It did not automatically
appear when the vows were said and the rings exchanged.
Our friendship has been nurtured as we have practiced
the six habits of friendship.
1. Friends stay in touch with each other.
Friendship implies a continuing relationship in
which both parties involved make consistent efforts to
maintain. To neglect these special efforts is to risk
allowing the relationship to wither and possibly
disappear entirely. We verbally communicate with each
other in a way that says, "I am interested in you as a
person." We ask about the day's events; inquire about
what has been read; anything that transcends talk about
career and parental roles. We let each other know where
we are as a courtesy.
2. Friends share themselves and their experiences.
Without this level of sharing you may have an
acquaintance, but you do not have a friend. Sharing
thoughts, feelings, and experiences creates an openness
that deepens the bond. Andre Maurois defined a happy
marriage as "a long conversation that always seems too
short." Spouses who have grown apart share only negative
emotions and cynical or critical thoughts which focus
only on problems and frustrations.
3. Friends are supportive during troubles times.
Friends must always be there for one another, not
only during the good times, but also during times of
emotional turmoil or personal crisis. To have such a
friend in times of need is a wonderful source of
strength. What helps me get through my troubled times is
when Cindy gives me a hug and tells me she is confident
that God will help us get through this.
4. Friends consistently affirm one another.
Good friends communicate a very simple message: "I
like you, and being with you makes me feel good." The
base of such a relationship is a deep acceptance of one
another along with encouragement as life circumstances
evolve. Love and acceptance should never be conditional.
Such a conditional acceptance drives a wedge in the
relationship that tends to deepen with the years. We
seek to communicate regularly in words and deeds, in
small acts of kindness and loving words, the value we
find in each other. On one of our wedding anniversaries,
Cindy gave me a card with the following statement: "It's
one thing to be in love. It's another to be good
friends. And it's a wonderful thing to be madly in love
with my best friend!" That's affirming!
5. Deep trust always exists between friends.
As friendship deepens, a corresponding openness
about experiences and feelings develops. The price of
friendship is personal vulnerability - letting your
spouse know about personal doubts & sensitivities. Such
information must always be respected and the
vulnerability must never be violated. To deepen our
trust we seek to never use a personal sensitivity to
hurt each other when we are angry. We do not gossip
about each other. It's a betrayal of marital trust.
6. Friends let go and have fun together.
Good friendships do not focus exclusively on
problems or emotionally intimate discussion. Time is
spent just having fun together. Good friends can let go
to enjoy good times spent together knowing that they are
deeply accepted and that they will be there for one
another when tough times come. As married life becomes
busier, humor often fades, and no time remains for fun.
Stressed and tired, couples feel overwhelmed with
responsibilities. They forget how to relax and enjoy
lighthearted times together. Fun is a powerful tool in
relieving stress.
A special friendship is what a marriage relationship is
all about. At its root, marriage is not sex, romance,
emotional highs, or pleasure. All these are part of the
total relationship, but the core of marriage is a
partnership built on emotional closeness, acceptance of
one another, and fulfilling companionship. You can
strengthen your marriage friendship. It will take
commitment, work, and time. Why just be married when you
can be married to your best friend?
William Batson is Director of Vision New England's
Family Builders Ministry.
Copyright © 1998 William Batson. Used with Permission.
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